Disclaimer: Everything below this post was written between September 2013 and August 2018.

at summer’s end you whisked me away 
in a magical place not far from here
a thousand miles, one year ago today.
and you took away something of mine
that I’ve been holding on for some time.

fall began and I continued to ride the wave
of toxicity that kept us going and going
and drove me to keep giving and giving.

the close of the year drove me insane
but in some sick way I craved the pain.

new year brought a clean slate and
more chances and reasons and excuses
that I kept giving because I so 
desperately wanted to be right –
to right all the wrongs that were not my fault.
to fix everything that was never right.

now I’ve ripped away every layer of protection
that I’ve painstakingly built up for myself and for you
because you see, I no longer have anything to lose.

So here I am rebuilding every part 
of me that got lost along the way,
and relearning love once again.  

It’s getting bad again –
I’m going back to the place 
I swore to never again.  
But I keep coming back and  
back to the where it all began, 
and every single time 
I don’t know why 
I even expect something new but I do.
And each breath I inhale into my lungs feels like a hammer that drives into my insides, piercing my heart and piercing my soul. 
I’m looking around for band-aids 
in people but nobody sticks – 
they only get washed off. 
And so I go back to the place 
it all began – again and again – 
peeling off all the inhibitions in my taped-up heart until all that’s left  
is a black hole for you to disappear into.

A stab to the chest and a punch to the gut
was what it felt like when you left that night. 
I slammed the front door and punched the wall
Now my fists they burn and the walls they flash a crimson red of anger and passion, of confusion and disillusionment. 

I heard a crack – then an overwhelming pain. 
It hit like a train and coursed through my veins. 
It hurt and it hurt until somehow it didn’t, 
Then all of a sudden – all I could feel
was the pain that emanated,
from the core of my being.
A sinking feeling,
a glimmer of hope fleeting…
Before I snapped back.
Back into the soul crushing 
pit of a dried up mess.
Of dread and shame, 
of agony and pain.

You were the first and also the last,
At least in the fathomable future.
All my life I’ve sought to preserve
This revered concept, a symbol to many.
And it’s still surreal the way it happened,
And how I let myself free and gave myself in
With no regrets – only a deeper understanding.
And I only fell deeper into this hole
Of cyclical confusion and satisfaction.

That’s no way to live your life, they said.
But what did they know and why did they care,
Except that they were right, and I knew that.
But what good is self awareness, and
What use is having the right answers
When we can’t even look at ourselves and
Spit them out.

The neverending cycle of hope and dread
That ebbs and flows and crushes the soul. 
Like a punch in the gut, and a stab in the heart –
Piercing through the skin I’ve worn so well,
Crashing the gates of walls I’ve built for myself.

The impenetrable fortress of fear and shame
bites at my core and stings through my veins. 
How long more can I hold onto this edifice
Before one last crack sends it down in a blaze?

take me back to the night we met,
before the clock struck twelve and 
the church bells chimed a familiar tune 
in an unfamiliar place. 
and who would’ve known and 
who would’ve thought – that 
a night with zero expectations 
will give birth to a hundred nights more.

so take me back, to a time 
where the night was young 
and we were younger.
when the sun shone brighter and 
the birds sang louder,
when the flowers bloomed and
the city glistened – a fiery explosion
of orange and magenta, burning
in the sunset’s wake.

now the leaves are falling and
the seasons are changing. 
but who can we blame 
for the passage of time?
when the earth is still spinning
and the sun is still shining, maybe 
all that I need is knowing and 
hoping that the world around me
will never be fading.

Careful what you wish for,
it might just come true.

Today I’m begging for more,
tomorrow I wish I hadn’t met you.

can’t exactly pinpoint this feeling 
but for fact that it’s always fleeting.
and it comes and goes at random nights
as do the people all through my life.

and who can i blame for for the things I’ve done,
and the things i’ve said,
and the choices i’ve made?

but it really isn’t just as simple as that
and sometimes i wonder why things happen the way they do 
and life turns out the way it does
but all this wondering does nothing 
and so we just go on into the terrifying unknown
with a glimmer of hope that all will be fine and everything alright
and maybe that is enough for you and i.

up the escalator, and round the corner
we go. the winding path takes us
to the top, and through two dim doors 
we go. a moment, two moments later,
two bodies inching closer and closer.
nervous laughters drowned out by
strangers all over, but all i could hear
was the beat that drummed through my chest
and threatened to implode until finally
a brush of the hands and a sudden grasp of the 
palm and all that was shaking turned into calm. 

through two bright doors we go, out of the screen
and into the streets. bright lights of the city
illuminating on two souls, flickering between a 
yes and a no. the memory of a rose, and the 
exchange of words. through the crossroads
and round the river, sizzling out the flame
for however short a moment it rode.

a kiss, two kisses later, two bodies drifted apart
and off to two different ways we go. strangers 
all over, as the night turned to cold.